Yes, my partner is 21 years older. No, I’m not ‘in it for the money’.
‘She’s basically a child. This man brainwashed her into being with him!’
‘She clearly has daddy issues’
‘She’s only with him for money’
‘Something is very wrong here…’
A vast amount of various devaluing stereotypes circulating within our society is no news. In the ideal case scenario — we just don’t give a shit and choose to live the best way that suits us. Unfortunately, most of us do give a shit. And in some cases, this is a good thing, but mostly we start compromising our own happiness just to ‘fit in’ and avoid nasty gossip. And I say ‘we’ because I know plenty of real-life stories where someone’s happiness was compromised by this one thought which leads to plenty of unnecessary fears — ‘BUT WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME?’
Well, the truth is — whatever they think mainly depends on:
- their own experiences and insecurities,
or
- popular opinions (yes…people will repeat whatever they constantly hear around them. And the more they repeat it — the more it spreads.)
Just the thought of falling under one of the biggest stereotypes in the relationship world was dreadful to someone as sensitive as me. It nearly made me say ‘no’ to what turned out to be the most beautiful and nurturing relationship I ever had.
When I think about it now it seems crazy — I was gossiped about all my life for one or another reason and should’ve learned to be immune to it ages ago. Unfortunately, it’s not as straightforward as it seems…
Anyhow, today, I was reminded of my old insecurities when a group of ‘gentlemen’ in the park felt the need to discuss the reasons I am with my partner as we were passing by. Within seconds this group of experts concluded that ‘I’m clearly in it for the money’ (also, that I might be ‘black’ as I have curly hair… I guess in their opinion every blond is probably Swedish then) …
This experience took me just a little over 2 years back, right when I met my partner — a man that is 20+ years older than me and is the most youthful man I ever been with. Endless conversations, tons of energy, wisdom, confidence, lots of life experience and a body that could be easily mistaken for a fit 20-year-old.
We had the connection straight away, but I didn’t dare to imagine any sort of relationship with him and the main reason being — no, not the age difference itself but — WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK OF ME for being with a much older man?
Straight away, I could see my relatives and friends rolling their eyes and giving me lectures about ‘daddy issues’ while strangers calling me a ‘golddigger’ (even though there is no gold to dig anywhere near him.).
And this was it for me back then. In my head — there was no way this could work. So a week into our friendship I called him to say that he shouldn’t expect any sort of romantic relationship with me. And he took it well! (Although later on that year, he admitted that I nearly broke his heart..whoops..)
But when it was time to hang up, I just couldn’t. Something was stopping me. At that moment, I realised I do not want to stop talking to this person. So we just carried on talking as nothing has happened… few minutes in I forgot why I called at all and we just talked till 5 am. About anything and everything. After putting down the phone, I had no doubt — I want to see how this will turn out. And hands down — this was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life!
2 years and 2 months later, we are enjoying every day spent together, fully in love with each other, and it seems like we could never run out of topics to talk about! This would be a good place for ‘the happy end’ but this is not a happy story yet. Not really…
While writing this, I only realised now that whenever anyone asks me how old is he — I never give them the number! It’s always ‘he’s much older’, or ‘he’s ancient, ha ha’, or ‘actually he could technically be my dad..’ but never the actual age!.
So I have changed the title from ‘Yes, my partner is much older than me…’ and I am now deeply embarrassed by how I allowed this small detail to affect me so much for so long that I even felt the need to hide his actual age from people in my life! The fear of judgement makes us ‘hide in the closet’ by creating such a significant value to all sorts of unimportant details. Why?..
Society expects us to live by its standards. Even in this day and age, when so much fight has been put into breaking unhealthy stereotypes, it didn’t disappear. Even if we present ourselves as somebody who is all about equal rights and keeps putting ourselves in another’s shoes — we still judge to some extent. At least in our heads. We judge, and the worst thing is, we know others are judging us too. And this ‘knowledge’ nearly got me throwing away the best relationship I ever had. Realising this is actually scary , the way we devalue people because of their age, sex, looks, occupation (just to name a few..) — We must not allow those ‘standards’ to mess with our heads!
We should make our choices based on our own truths and feelings, and we should be able to speak about whatever it is without being put in the ‘box of shame for x reason’ or fearing to be put in that box.
Oh, and by the way, I am 31, and my partner is 52. A few years ago I would have thought this is sick.
Today I feel blessed to be experiencing the healthiest and most fulfilling relationship I ever had and I wish this to happen to everyone who seeks it.
