Sensitive kids SEE YOU, and they are learning much more than you would like them to.
How do I know that? I was a sensitive kid. In many ways — I still am.
I keep hearing of people who don’t want to have kids, which is a shock to many grandmothers. And I know this might sound selfish to some, but… I’m seriously considering joining them! I can come up with tons of reasons which will repel many from ever even thinking of having kids. But I will be concentrating on just one here, a very personal one:
I am scared they will turn out to be super sensitive (like me) and suffer greatly from society. It doesn’t matter what and which society we are a part of — we, sensitive people, always suffer.
For most, it isn’t easy to understand our hardships. Life is much more painful for us than the rest. Because we feel deeply. And we can do nothing about it. If we distance — we blame ourselves for not addressing the matter. So we suffer one way or another.
‘There’s no NEED to be so sensitive.’
‘NOBODY CARES about that’
‘You always cry about everything. Just stop!’
These were basically the comments I received most of my life. I must say — it never helped. Not even a bit. To people who are fans of the above phrases, let me shine some light on you:
- It doesn’t matter if sensitivities are needed or not. They are there. At that particular moment, one doesn’t really know what to do with it.
2. I CARE ABOUT THAT. THEREFORE I HAVE THIS REACTION.
3. Yes, because there are many things that upset me. And wait, how come you aren’t crying?
Sometimes it seems to me like no one else can feel anything at all.
When younger, I was naturally a free-spirited child, super energetic and living in my own little world, getting carried away with whatever I did. Now following the comments above, imagine the teachings I was receiving when it comes to the female role in society and what effect it has on a girl:
‘If you act like this — no one will marry you.’
‘Behave like a lady, otherwise - No one will love you.’
‘Look — no one is acting like you! Can you be normal!?’
‘Don’t talk back (don’t question). You’re rude!’
‘Just do what you are told to do!’
etc.
This might sound like casual parenting to many…
Unfortunately, phrases like these sank quite deep into my head. I was always scared of being shown I am wrong or stupid. And not only for myself— I didn’t want my family to be disappointed too. So to make everyone happy, silence and keeping things to myself became a norm.
Soon I chose to be inferior to anyone and everyone, and this lasted for a very long time.
Where I come from, so much praised respect for someone really means not questioning, just nodding along to whatever. So forget about having an opinion if the person talking to you is at least a day older. Because if you do, well, that’s just rude. You will be shushed and told to ‘read about it’ as if the argument you made is based on something you just dreamed up or hallucinated.
And if it's someone your own age or younger — not to risk hurting their feelings (or your own), being nice and doing whatever they say was the way.
So basically, I couldn't say ‘NO’. Even though there were times when some would call me ‘the best person in the world’, there is a very dark side to all of it. Imagine in how many ways this can backfire — predators and abusers are lurking everywhere to take advantage of a vulnerable, trusting, naive and unquestioning person - be it relationships, school, work...
And I did experience loads…
(click on an article below to find my list of worst experiences and what helped me heal)
But no matter how awful my personal struggles in society were — let me explain the main causes that lead to it.
Society played a big part. But I believe the main issues developed at home. I was very much loved there. But no one had any idea of how much this type of love was suffocating me and pushing me towards all sorts of anxieties and depression at an escalating speed. I could never be free without somehow ‘embarrassing them or myself’ with my opinions or behaviour.
The role models I had were full of good intentions and wanted to teach me all the best, I'm sure. But not only they were boxing me in. They also forgot that kids don’t just learn from what you tell them.
Most of the influences come when those role models simply live their everyday lives as THEMSELVES. And the child/teenager is there to witness it.
My Female Role Model
My mom was very rarely speaking out.
I can’t blame her. We lived in a small town where society was mainly a bunch of smiling gossiping snakes just looking for a chance to drag anyone through the mud.
Every movie that has been made about ‘crazy’ people in small towns — it’s mainly true. If you have an opinion that is different or don’t live by ‘template’ —all town will be throwing rocks at you (not physically but…you know what I mean), And even if you haven’t done anything wrong — people will create tons of nasty rumours and will still ‘crucify’ you so if you are a young, highly sensitive person considering living in a small town where everyone knows everyone — DON’T! It won’t be good for your mental state…Believe me…
My mom was a victim of society plenty of times during her life. So naturally, she taught me to smile and nod to everything, thinking it's the best way to protect oneself.
She was very insecure about her weight. I would rarely see her eating. She was also secretly suffering from bulimia all her life. (Fighting cancer for many years, too, but that’s for another write-up..)
So I developed insecurities, not because I was chubby — but mainly because I saw my mom, a gorgeous tiny woman, being so hard on herself. Every time we were at a dinner table, she and grandma would talk about diets. If she was not skinny enough, what am I supposed to think about myself being twice her size?
She also had this idea in her head of a picture-perfect family since she was a little girl and was very disappointed with what she actually had. I was nowhere close to that cute, peaceful little girl she always dreamed of. I was that cute little girl who was so sensitive that you never knew if I will be laughing or crying or having a tantrum in a second. No one could ever predict my reaction or my next move. So more of a trouble than a blessing, really.
Therefore my free-spirited nature, her own insecurities and all sorts of fake gossip resulted in her making many unhealthy accusations towards me. Most of it wasn't true, but the fact that she thought of me this way scarred me for life.
My Male Role Model
This one is not so straightforward…
My biological dad died in a car accident when I was 2 years old. I remember my mom telling me he won’t be back, and I couldn’t understand why he is gone. I constantly felt that something is missing, so imagine how happy I was when my mom remarried! I didn’t want this ‘dad’ to ‘go away’ too, so I was always around him, like a puppy craving attention. I always believed he had a good heart. However, once the place he was working at was shut down, things changed.
My mom had to get 2 extra jobs to make sure we all survive while he was always home, lying on the couch, watching TV, reading books, smoking in the flat, drinking beers and sometimes not washing for days. Then he started going out and sleeping with other women. It was going on for quite some time until my mom applied for a divorce.
I loved him very much. And because of that — the things he did seemed like standard behaviour to be expected from a man. I realised something was wrong, but I never wanted him to feel bad about himself. Also, my mom never pointed out that it shouldn’t be like this. Not until it was too late — I was already attached to him with all my heart and idolised him.
Things I learned as a child/teenager from his stories and behaviour:
- Swearing after every other word in a sentence is very cool.
- Spitting everywhere and anytime is also super cool.
- Being able to drink a lot makes you awesome.
- Having sex outside the bar just around the corner where everyone goes for a piss is normal.
- Sensitivity to anything is a weakness.
Not only I believed that all of the above if followed, makes me accepted and ‘cool’.
I also ended up with really shitty men for most of my life.
So chuck in media and fashion industry stereotypes of the time, pushing the thought of women needing to alter themselves to be beautiful, a few bullies, and you have a perfect top of the list candidate for all sorts of mental and other issues. As a teenager, I was already suffering from:
- social and other anxieties ever since I remember,
- anorexia (1 year)
- bulimia ( lasted 9 years )
- low self-esteem ( lasted 20+ years)
- depression ( lasted 20+ years)
- binge drinking (that later turned into alcoholism 15+ years altogether)
- smoking (lasted 15+ years)
- unhealthy relationships/sex (lasted 20+ years)
Even though everyone in the family knew what is going on, after few attempts to talk some sense into me, I was left alone. And the reason I didn’t get any help was that — my role models were all of what is highlighted above. It’s me who was highly sensitive, but no one considered it to be serious enough. I was expected to know better and overcome all of these issues myself. And once you are young, scared and have no suitable guidance…
I wish I learned to love myself earlier. If I could go back in time and have a conversation with my 10-year old self, I would make sure she knows never to hide her emotions, never do anything that makes her uncomfortable no matter what, always trust her gut and speak out her truths, never loose my gentle, compassionate side and make sure to take good care of herself first. I owe so much to her...
So if I ever have kids — I will make damn sure that:
- I am that strong, self-loving role model who listens and engages to every emotion of theirs and shows them how amazing it is to be a beautiful, sensitive soul. I will accept every picked flower and every handmade gift with honest appreciation and excitement and never ask them to stop expressing their feelings and talents.
- They know it is important never to pretend that ‘all is well’ when it isn't.
- They know they don’t need to bend backwards to make everyone happy.
- They know It can be tricky, and it takes time to learn about dangers lurking around but whatever happens — staying true to yourself and your own values is the most important thing regardless of what society is expecting from them.
When engaged right — sensitivity and compassion is a very rare and advantageous power to have. It is the brightest light in this dark pit called ‘the world’. Cherish it and never numb it down.
