‘This is a new low for you...’ my brother said a few days ago. He, my partner and I were having a casual walk that afternoon.
As we were crossing the bridge, we noticed a young artist painting. Her dress was matching the image itself — colourful patterns in the sun looked very eye-catching. I don’t even know what looked more attractive to me, the painting or the dress!
‘Nice!’ my brother said to the beautiful girl, while she replied with a cold and slightly irritated ‘Thank you.’
My partner was quick to ‘console’ him— ‘she’s probably standing here since early morning painting while people passing by are throwing compliments at her every minute. She just can’t be bothered anymore.’
I naturally imagined myself in her shoes and said — ‘ Or… she isn’t sure whether you were complimenting her painting or her ass!’.
They both stopped and looked at me as if I just confessed to being responsible for WW2.
‘This is a new low for you’ - my brother said with my partner nodding next to him.
I felt the anger bursting inside of me instantly. How do they not get it?
Men (yes, not only teenage boys — men too) keep telling us (and showing us) how much they sexualise women all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. Most never even try to dial it down, quite the opposite — they will point out every look, shape or move of a female with extensive sexual commentary. I witnessed it and have been on the receiving end myself plenty of times.
And then when women acknowledge it or start talking about it —it’s us who fall to a ‘low’ (how dare we think these innocent creatures would be capable of doing such things!? shame on us!!).
I won’t share the stories I witnessed as they are not mine to tell, but I will let you in on a few of my own experiences.
FYI I have never dressed provocatively, just in case you are a fan of the good old ‘she’s asking for it herself — look at what she’s wearing!’, and yet:
- Because I developed early, I was receiving tons of pervy looks and comments ever since I turned 11. Every time that happened, I just wanted to disappear.
- I remember trying to take care of my posture and keep my back straight until one day, a couple of men in the street started shouting, ‘hey, why are you walking like that?! Showing off your boobs!? What a whore!’, pointing fingers at me and laughing.
I was hunching for years afterwards whenever I saw a man. Any man.
- During my teenage years, all I heard my stepdad say as far as I remember is — ‘don’t ever think that any man pays attention to you for any other reason. It’s all about sex. Always.’
Therefore I (and possibly all the other young girls that have been told the same ) somehow had to live everyday life, knowing that whatever I say or do — I am a sex object (whether true or not at that time). Knowing this, at one point, made me want to do nothing or say nothing at all as life within the society itself lost a lot of meaning. But ‘finding love someday’ was of extreme importance for me since I was a child. So I accepted this ‘knowledge’ and because I was never popular with boys (at least the ones I had my eye on), looking attractive became my main goal (*in other words — following whatever unhealthy beauty standards were glorified at that time. Including anorexia.)
- 1 in 4 girls worldwide has an eating disorder. Around 10% of people affected by an eating disorder suffer from anorexia nervosa. (https://www.priorygroup.com/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-statistics)
- When I was 14, a ‘friend of a friend’ tried to rape me while I was consoling him after discovering his sorrow of finding out his fiancee was cheating on him.
When in shock, I usually freeze. But this time, I felt like I was living a scene of a movie I’ve recently seen. So I did what the girl in the movie did once pinned to the ground— I kicked around, and once got my chance — I ran.
He failed. But that’s not always the case. Around 1 in 20 teenagers are sexually abused in the UK (https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/statistics-briefings/child-sexual-abuse)
- At my first waitressing job, the restaurant owner couldn’t stop staring at me and made advances towards me the 3rd day I was there.
He was married and had kids.
- In another restaurant, the supervisor would often comment that he can see my pretty underwear (in a very creepy way) when I squat or bend.
- Once a new ‘colleague’ who I was introducing to a workplace gave me what he probably thought was an offer every woman dreams of, called ‘you can suck my dick if you want to’. He then asked me out for a beer. Seriously.
- When I was working as a massage therapist, a client once grabbed my wrists and said, ‘I will give you a very generous tip if you massage my balls’.
The list could go on and on…
Statistically, 97% of women have been sexually harassed in the UK alone. (https://www.openaccessgovernment.org/97-of-women-in-the-uk/105940/)
I don’t believe it. I think every woman has been harassed at least once in her life.
So it is very unrealistic for men to expect women not to question their actions. Any actions. We have experienced — ‘Oh that ass!’,’ Look at those lips, she must be giving amazing blowjobs’, ‘do you see that rack?’ more times than one man said it in his life. For some, it might be a compliment. For me — I just feel like running and hiding. And I believe there are many women out there who are anxious to go outside alone for these exact reasons. I used to. And no one should feel this way.
I want to believe in ‘not all men’ I really do. But it’s not easy when most that I’ve experienced or witnessed is proving differently.
But dare to mention this to a man— and it becomes a ‘low’ (because ‘they would never’..!!)
For me, the questioning isn’t low. It’s a result of years of mistreatment and comes from self-protection and self-love.
And these are crucial for every woman to survive.
So if you’re a man reading this — next time you get offended by a woman questioning your words, actions or behaviour — firstly check if you’re not a creep. If yes — you’re ruining it for everyone. STOP IT. If no — be aware that she most likely dealt with tons of creeps since she was a child.
A little understanding — that’s all it takes.
