If you’re reading this, you probably had some experience that damaged you too. Whatever lesson life teaches you right now — just know that it is possible to survive and be happy again.
If right now you are in a place where it's hard to believe that things will get better…
Sit down and make a list of all the ‘monsters’ you dealt with or still are dealing with in your life.
Here is my list:
- anxiety
- depression
- emotional abuse and manipulation
- sexual harassment
- blackmail
- gossip
- alcoholism
- bullying
- anorexia
- bulimia
- social pressure
- sex tape exposure
- broken heart
- loss of both of my parents before turning 23
- toxic marriage
- hypersensitivity
- schizophrenic episode
It is good to know what you are dealing with. Have your list in front of you. Familiarize yourself with it. Understand that every one of your bullet points is a lot of work to deal with and if you are acknowledging it — you are already fighting it. And if you defeated it — you are stronger than most of the people in this world.
When I made mine, the first thought that came into my head was — ‘I am so sorry for myself’. I felt like a victim, blaming society and every single person that upset me, betrayed me, didn't appreciate me, used me, wasn’t there for me, didn’t try to understand me. How dare they?!
Let's get one thing straight — I really don’t like people. I used to love nearly every person I crossed paths with, and now I honestly think most of them are close-minded, mean and selfish as they all harmed me deeply. But slowly, I am starting to realise that it is not entirely their fault I had to go through all of this.
No matter what they did, there is no one else to blame for all these experiences I had but ME. I allowed all of that to happen by
- listening to others instead of my own intuition and trying to be something I am not,
- therefore making decisions that were hurting not only my body but my own soul.
- Being scared to tell my truth or say a word at all as I never knew how to defend myself effectively without being mocked for saying something ‘stupid’. Even if I did — people around me were too closed-minded to understand anything I was going through. Even in the worst situations, It seemed like the words won’t come out when I want them to. It would just build up in my throat but wouldn't reach my lips.
So I just pretended I am OK and went with the flow wherever it took me. In other words, ever since childhood, I allowed people to make whatever they want out of me and treat me however they wanted to treat me.
And once you give that power to people — you can’t expect them to do what benefits you. They will do what benefits them.
Not only I took every single word of others as the pure truth (to be deceived tons of times). I always thought that almost every other person is somehow better than me. And even worse — I had this weird need to make everyone happy. And I did what I thought people want me to do. The problem is — not everyone has good intentions. I had plenty of situations backfiring to my disadvantage. For as long as I remember, I had plenty of ugly gossip about me circulating. Most of it was not true.
But for whatever reason — I never defended myself. I often defended others. Not only the ones I saw as weaker than me — everyone! I would try to befriend those that I felt are lonely and needed help. Unfortunately, I realise now (way too late) — I was the person who was always lonely and needed the help most.
I have plenty of stories to tell, but all you need to know at the moment is that as a child, I had a beautiful heart and always did everything I was told by everyone, afraid to disappoint them. Perfect child, right? Well, it back-fired badly. Listening to others and craving for their approval sank in my brain, and I believe it played a big part in my life choices. However, deep in my heart, I was always a free spirit, so these 2 qualities always clashed, and no one (including myself) ever knew which one will take over and when.
I am 31 now. Just as I finally started getting my life together — the world went into a lockdown that's lasting for a year now, and I had plenty of time to spend with myself (like most people). Tons of memories came back to me — it’s like I was forced to remember all of it and reevaluate everything that happened to me and around me from an adult perspective. And I must say — I am very disappointed in myself.
This couple of years has been eye-opening for me, and I feel I just started to understand how toxic I was to myself. However, not too long ago, I decided to start doing things I think are right regardless of what other people are saying:
- I turned vegan (almost every person I know called me stupid for that)
- I left my job, and I teach piano for a living now (once more — got called stupid plenty of times)
- I finally left my toxic husband (I believe no comments are needed here)
- I stopped drinking (happened naturally as I found some meaning in my life)
- I started meditating
- I started dancing again (I stopped before as my husband was embarrassed — telling me I dance like a stripper)
- I deleted most of my contacts.
- I started to actually do things that I want without feeling guilty about it.
- I stopped looking for validation from others.
I can’t say I am 100% happy yet; I believe there are still things I am meant to do, but looking at my first list, the list of ‘Monsters’ I dealt with during my life — I feel quite a survivor! I can’t believe I allowed all of this to happen to me, but for sure, I will not let this pattern repeat itself.
